WARNING: Pity-Party Ahead!

***I wrote this a couple weeks ago and did not post it because I was so ashamed of myself.  But in the name of being honest, and because I do want this blog to be "real", I will publish it today.****  But be warned.  I was in a BAAAAD place!  :{


Well, here I am again, more than a week later from my last post.  (day after Easter) Feeling bummed, and ashamed, and frustrated and just about ready to say "f _ _ _ it!"  I know that sounds awful and crass and it makes me a quitter.  But it's true! I AM a quitter!  I start and stop, start and stop.  Blah, blah, blah, whine, cry, pout.  What a baby!  Who wants to read this crap anyway??  How much more pathetic can I get?  Don't you wanna just kick me in the butt??  Or say "just shut up, you whining, crying brat!!"  I DO!!  I want to kick myself in the ass and slap my own face!  :{  GAAAAHHH!!  


I have regained any weight I lost and am back up to 253# as of this minute.  I barely fit into my fattest clothes (sizes 18/20) and feel like my face is huge, cheeks puffing up, making my eyes little squinty pig eyes.  I don't just eat "normally" but overeat like a mad woman, even when I'm not even remotely hungry.  I make excuses to not work out, not walk, not swim.  

• "I don't feel good."  
• "I'm tired."  
• "I don't have time."   
• "I don't look too bad."  
• "I'm not THAT fat!"  
• "Tim loves me just the way I am."  
• "I'll probably just gain what I lose." 
• Etc, etc, etc.  
• WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????!!!   :<

If I actually post this stupid, whining blog post, I'll feel publicly humiliated and ridiculous.  What's the point, anyway??  I probably need to see a shrink; there must be something mentally wrong that I abuse my body this way and abuse my self-esteem by putting this crap out there.  I look at my reflection in the mirror on the opposite wall; there I sit, wearing my HUGE comfy old nightgown that I just found packed away with fat-pants I don't fit into, face all bloated, hair a wreck, glum face.  Wow.  Pathetic.  


What is wrong with me???  How can I keep doing this over and over?  Who even wants to hear/read this crap?  Why do I  bother?  I'm no help to anyone, least of all to myself.  I don't know what to do.  I'm my own worst enemy.  Why can't I be consistent and stick with my plan?  It's really not difficult.  I feel good when I'm eating well and exercising.  I like what I eat when I'm eating well.  I have good energy.  So what is WRONG with me?????